December 2014
The final month to this piece of shit year, Thank God!
I continue my walk with darkness and soul of light and grace. I feel lighter, but surprisingly at the same time, pressured. Knowing well, almost guilty that I should be doing more.
This morning, a bus almost hit me, while remaining in my standing place my finger tips brushed its side as it drove past. Close, closure.
Aside from forgiving the world, to be only forgotten by it, we have to be prepared to forgive ourselves; for falling differently from our Mother and trying to reason as to why she’s not there to guide us.
I never stopped for a moment to ask how he felt, thinking now I feel that I didn’t because I thought it was something he should say openly. Not something to be forced, but like an honest answer, pleasant like a kiss on the lips. One unexpected, full of surprise and promise.
Reading the news this morning, there is so much bad happening all over the world, and then I see a picture of a black boy hugging a male white cop. The little boys face flooding with tears, this moment captured so resplendently, it touched me almost moving the hurt, pain and frustration held on to for so long.
This hope and release surrounds the perimeter of the void, soothes the cracks; fills them in and although this whole is still empty, a promise of being healed exists.
During lunch time, I practiced my signs (ASL) and I felt proud to have remembered most of them. Whilst I sat alone on the bench facing freedom, I felt more of my heart release.
Right now I feel a sense of yearning with a burning fire to be touched and held. A deepness, not any could withstand..
So, again I wait in patience. As the time slowly slips away. Lord, let this afternoon go smoothly and without error or drama.
I am near resigned.