Follow the sound of your name coming from the poorly lit basement, walk down stairs to see images flashing of way, way back where it all began. The tireless and tumultuous relationship projected on the screen, “my soul”, you whisper and smile at the journey; seen, heard and felt by the depth of your center. This soul, lined thin with a unique strength, most see as soft, weak and invaluable. You stop to truly wonder how your intense state of passive aggressiveness managed not to morph into full bitterness.
As memories flash by I am reminded of people and their incredible disregard for the consequences of their words. How easy they make it seem to forsake what some consider boundaries and worse the pride they take in ridicule once you venture out of those very boundaries they labeled you to be. Limiting you to phrases and full stops, more often than not until somewhere along the way you started to believe them too. Blinding yourself to one of the simplest truths, people are more than what you see with your eyes, what you’ve heard, more than their past, their failures; in fact none of that matters to those who are truly meant for you, the truth of who you are lies in your heart.
Cuts heal and leave scars, words are spoken and tossed like darts, as target practice at the heart; clean-cut, recorded and played over and over again. The right ones are cathartic, but the rest lay dormant waiting to be called, to burn like acid, chronic in the blood.
Your mind overthinks and connects everything together, forming the thickest cobwebs collected at the corner of a ceiling, insects hanging off it like jewels as it drapes like a magical necklace in one of those fairy tales you read as a child. You see the forest, sometimes failing to remember that each leaf is valid, different and necessary. Looking too closely, you forget and at times can’t see beyond the intricate design of a single leaf; it’s not that you don’t care, but you are afraid, overwhelmed by the lavish green in its entirety.
Time has afforded much experience, fortunately multiple lessons are laced in the inner lining of the cloak like incisions that are mistakes. The important part about having made mistakes, is forgiveness and by important, I mean the one thing you’ve failed to do all these years. Your ‘how-to deal’ meant instinctive murder and disposal of the said problem a.k.a “monster”. Finding an immediate resting place six feet under for the perp; the faster the problem could disappear, the sooner you’d be on to the next faithful disaster. The thing about monsters and, well, murder; if not handled properly according to what you’re dealing with they tend to, uhh, not die but instead turn into ghosts. In an instant, the hunter becomes the hunted.
Though you’ve not quite gotten the how to forgive part down as yet, wouldn’t it be hilarious if after all this time, all you had to do to get these ghosts to disappear was to say three words– fourteen letters. You are forgiven.
This isn’t a blame game and you shouldn’t go randomly punching that cashier at the mini-mart who always has something to say or open up the self-deprecating booth down memory lane. I’m asking you to look into yourself and have a deep conversation. Summon these ghosts and speak to them, find a solution; was it something you did, was it something someone did to you, did you stay silent, look away as you had things taken away because you weren’t courageous enough to speak up. Basically, all the times you let fear win.
During this conversation be respectful, be honest, be kind with yourself and the rest will follow. Speak to yourself as you would a dear friend, be aware moving forward that people will let you down, you will let yourself down, but life is happening now and you’re missing it over something or someone who you really shouldn’t give that much power. Fight for your now, because you are enough and you are more than deserving of your future.
jk.larayne, 2019